Years of therapy finally helped me understand it: I left home at such a young age that I craved a substitute father figure, and those wires somehow go... crossed with my budding sexuality. I know... such a cliché, right? Anyway, you can imagine just how many creeps lurk around our industry waiting to take advantage of that sort of thing, so even though I still didn’t know why I wanted an older man to be my first, I instinctively knew I had to be extremely wary.”“It probably won’t surprise you to. I enjoy running, biking, roller-blading and cross country skiing, and I keep my body in very good shape. I’ve been told that my best feature is my well-toned ass. Tom and I left town after work on Friday, and we drove for four hours (with a stop for supper) to reach our destination. There aren’t any big stores where we live, so once in a while we go to the city to do some shopping. I also like these trips for another reason. We stay in a hotel, and I get to show off to the other. I showed off for him, and hopedmy old friend would put the moves on, but it turned out his interest waspurely academic.I grew bored and frustrated, and very horny, for a guy-girl who couldn'tget himself off any more. Finally, I called the University of Minnesotaand asked if I could start in summer school instead of waiting untilautumn. They said sure, but my scholarship money wasn't available untilthe fall semester. I emptied my bank account and got my mom to co-signfor a student loan. I packed. I never realized that I was calling her a liar, a cheat, a slut. I never realized that I was believing that she was only with me because she couldn't be with the one she wanted and didn't want to be alone. All I saw was that she said I was the most important person in her life, then I hear that she was willing to give me up in a second if she could have back the mystery love of her life from the past.I finally made it to the cave without killing myself in the dark. I'm not sure I would have.