Until the river was swept into the ocean of all women who cry and bleed and live without ever knowing why or how, or for what the pain of their existe...ce is all for. Watching myself grow rounder, fuller…feeling the life within me that brought with it fear and hope and complete uncertainty. Knowing as I know my own name that nothing could ever change what was happening to me…not knowing if I really wanted it to change at all. People watching me, people whispering…their eyes burning like demon. If the date went well and I managed to demonstrate an acceptable level of mental stability, while generating a soupçon of attraction, I'd usually get the number. sleeping together usually meant I was on track. Under this arrangement getting the number was kind of an end of date thing and I got most of the way there, but tripped just ahead of the finish line. I tried calling the dating line night after night for the next week or so, but I never heard Claire's voice. Before I headed back to. They agreed and saidto have the girls call them after I had finished, orif they refused.I walked in like nothing had happened, and found mynieces on their computers. Neither acted like anythingwas wrong.“Did the two of you enjoy your little play time thismorning?” I asked them. I said it softly, but therewas a tone they didn’t mistake.“What play time, Uncle Rick?” Kaelyn asked. She lookedup at me and batted her eyes. She was sitting on thesofa, legs crossed Indian. Just once. Just to know how it felt. Because he used to fantasize a lot from my pictures on FB and WhatsApp. He said he just wanted to lie on my lap and suck my boobs like a baby does and nothing more. It was my turn to fall silent. I didn’t say anything. In the chats we had in the next few days i barely said anything and he must have sensed it too. He said he felt bad about thinking of me in that way. He apologized for breaching that trust of friendship. I didn’t say anything. Not because i.