It takes courage to open yourself up, to be so vulnerable, while the closed, protected shield cools the heart, keeping the stoked flames from catching...and igniting the all inclusive passion of body and soul.There is the fear that one day, you can come home and find out that your life was a lie, a shambles of deceit perpetrated by your partner, the one person in life that you trusted, who in turn has dashed your hopes and assumptions, who mocks you with their actions, and reveals the mask of a. ..had a girlfriend. Wild about one another but never even tried to have sex. A guy seduced me, fucked me and suddenly I thought 'this is who I am!' I had an unusual interest in transvestites and transsexuals, reading every book going but I was in denial and just saw myself as a passive gay guy. I totally repressed any inclination to wear female clothing. I got into the leather scene as a gay man. But always submissive. Submission became my focus. I endured a lot of sessions I really didn't. Howmany seconds? Not enough. I slipped on the shoes and mincedback to the mirror. I saw a tall, wavy haired person, wearing apeach colored sweater and skirt. I felt mostly foolish and, atbest, androgynous. I stood there, peering into the mirror,staring at myself, trying to find a feminine person, if not awoman in my reflection. I looked for whatever Mistress wouldlook for in judging me at this test. All I could see was me. Technically, I knew I had done everything correctly, as. Next I spent two months touring throughout the mid-west. Again, rarely would I pick up a woman. And one day I realized that when I did pick up a woman, it would almost always be someone who was tall . . . and slender . . . and had long dark hair. By now I had been gone for over 10 months. I drove to Oregon, and rented a camp site overlooking the Pacific Ocean. I bought a laptop and started writing, determined I would expunge this hold Susan had over me. I was angry, and I knew if I started.