The only reason Santa flies around in the sleigh is because Mrs. Claus needs sleep after working the entire year for this one night. She makes him do ...t and he probably whines the whole time.” I counter. Then in my best mock whining voice I continue “It’s coooold, it’s snowinggg, where’s the hot chocolate, my coat is too tight, I need a naaap! Seriously? The reindeer do all the real work.” “Maybe, but when’s the last time you had 200 kids sit on your lap and tell you they want an iPad?” “Oh. Historically, I fought in the rearguard. The camp burned and everyone died. Except for me. Because I never die. Apparently. At least I haven’t yet. In my dream, I walk away from it all and towards the mountains where I know she’s waiting. The camp gives way and the fires dim and the gravel turns to sand and the sky to white hot sun and I’m half a world away, killing leather-skinned crones over a puddle that doesn’t come up to my knees and somehow I can still smell the sea. This place is a sea,. We never had an affair. I met her doing an interview for a paper I'm writing, and we became friends. All we do is talk."He stood there, just looking at me for a long time. I couldn't read a thing on his face."My staff tells me all you do is talk," he finally said."That's right." I don't believe you," he said. He said it in the same tone of voice as everything else he had said, like it was just a fact."I can't help that," I said, looking him eye to eye.Well, I was sitting and he was looming over. You don't seem to date much, although I've found enough porn around to assume you're interested in women."Before blushing again, please, Charley, know that I approve. We might just share the same magazines and movies. Now, I am quite comfortable with looking both attractive and sexy, which aren't quite the same thing. Please, don't try to hide it when you give me an admiring look. Sooner or later, you'll have the opportunity to look in as much detail as possible -- but I'm not proposing to drag.