It had been Reverend Mbeke who had shamed into allowing his wife Hazel to join the other wives on last month's Gospel Weekend.The Reverend was a good ...an. A bit domineering perhaps, a bit of fire breathing, fire and brimstone preacher, but a good man nevertheless. Besides his wife Hazel was 34, and while it was obvious that the African men admired, perhaps even lusted after her mature, full busted curves, she was old enough to watch out for herself. After 18 years of marriage she had never. I knew that she would complain to my parents and I would be kicked out of the house and would have to work as a menial labor all my life… All kinds of horror possibilities raced through my mind. I frantically, tried to think up excuses I could give for what I was doing, but how do you explain, peeping into the bathroom? I waited in my room for an hour, two hours and finally went out and down stairs, in complete trepidation. My cousin was sitting on the dining table cutting vegetables, my mom. And, Kameka madeit all worth while."Amanda was just sitting there pouting. And, finally said to Beth Ann,"I knew this was a lousy idea." But, sweets. It was your idea to see if Kimmy might like straightsex." I know! But, now I don't know." Go easy. Everything is ok. Our Kim is back, safe and sound." I know. I'm going to stop coming up with stupid ideas."A little while later, Beth Ann left to go home. And, Kim and Amandasettled in for the night. Amanda was still miffed at what had happened.But. People like me don’t deserve to be loved. Why would anyone want me when there are people like Chrissie McAlister and Tristan Northam in the world? Hell, if I was anyone else, I wouldn’t even give me a second glance. I know I have low self-esteem, but that’s something I’ve made peace with. I thought that if I were to transform into this gnarly stud, I would feel better about myself. I’ve discovered that nothing will change if things don’t change on the inside—and last time I checked, I’m still.