" The websites I read said that that was also a major part of the process,"Grandma whispers. "Telling your parents..." The- the thought of going back ...o being a girl, being 'Kayleigh-Ann'..." Imumble, shivering in terror."Ian," Grandma says in a soft, kind voice. "If it hurts you that much to bea girl, then I promise I will do everything in my power to ensure that younever live another second of your life as a woman." Th- thank you," I say, wiping a tear from my eye."And if you'd like," Grandma. She was 5 days out working the trap lines, just like us when I heard the mayday call over the radio. I was running the haul, I just stopped and grabbed for the microphone. There was no answer to my repeated calls. We dropped everything, I hit the throttles on the Nancy Lee and headed in that direction. Even at full throttle, we were 3 hours away, The Sara Lee was 40 miles South and West of us. Running into the seas and wind, it took us 4 hours. I checked the radar. I had been glancing at it. I dressed in jeans and a t-shirt (only this time one of Ashleigh’s), then brushed my hair carefully and pinned it back from my face but without tying it up. I put on just a trace of mascara and some lipstick. Then I spent the rest of the hour watching bad morning television and talking into Brian’s tape recorder, trying to imitate the way the women on TV talked. I found if I talked softly and pronounced words more carefully I sounded much better. I knew I’d need a lot of practice, but I felt. .I don't know. I just couldn't do it somehow. I couldn't pull the trigger. It felt so good; it was like a dream come true and I didn?t want to wake up just yet.?She drew a deep sobbing, ragged breath. ?I was just being selfish. There?s no other way to put it. No excuses. And when I saw that it would actually hurt your feelings to break up with you...what was I going to do? If I told you, I thought you'd feel like a fool."She was shaking all over now. It took all of Walt's self-control not to go.